LET'S TALK
I kept asking myself, "What will it take to say something, anything, to someone?" I was ashamed for feeling the way that I felt. I was ashamed for letting it continue, for not telling anyone even though I had so many chances.
I was at school one day with my brain on over drive. Not realizing that this would be the day that I finally speak up. It was D.A.R.E. day, and someone was in our classroom. When they were done talking about peer pressure, I burst into tears. That was it! I couldn't take it anymore. It took for something completely unrelated to my issue to make me talk. Finally, I brake free and brake my silence. Only, not completely, because I would have to relive every aching moment when this all goes to trail.
I didn't know I would have to talk about those moments over and over again. I didn't know that others would care so much about what had happened to me. I didn't know that I would be blamed for something I didn't do, something I didn't ask for, and more importantly, something I didn't want. Our lawyer came over a few times before we were due in court. For a child, court can be scary. This was no ordinary court. This was Air Force Base court. I was asked to explain everything that happened on all three days and like I did just with everyone reading, I explained everything?
When I was released from the stand, I was walked back to where my family was. As soon as we went through the doors, the Smith family was sitting there. I remember Mrs. Smith crying and when she noticed me walking by, she said to me, "Why are you doing this? Why are you hurting our family like this?" I felt so bad that I myself wanted to cry. In fact, I'm pretty sure I did, but not in front of them. I wanted to apologize and I wanted to be anywhere but there. That was the only time I had to appear in court, from what I can remember. I don't know what happened to Mr. Smith or if anything happened at all. All I know is that the rest of the smith family moved and when school was over, so did we. My childhood was ruined by this man and I was never the same after that. I'm not telling this story, my story, for people to feel sorry for me or to apologize for what I've been through. It wasn't your fault, you weren't there. I'm telling my story because I want people to know it's ok to talk to someone. It's ok to let it all out. I'm telling my story because I would want my children to tell me if something like this happened to them. If they felt that they couldn't talk to me, I pray they tell someone. Keeping all that stress inside and bottled up and allowing it to keep happening can make things so much worse than they have to be.
Unfortunately, there's a statue of Limitations on rape and other sexual assaults so, please don't wait too long. It's hard, believe me, I know. Make sure your kids know that it will be hard for them to talk about it, but you are there for them always. Make sure they know it's not their fault and that you love them and they are loved. Let them know it's ok to talk about it. Watch for the signs. Some signs will be jumping when touched, don't want to be around certain people, even if it is a family member or a close friend. There are signs, please pay attention.
Thank you for taking the time to read my story. It took a lot to do this. I thought I was over this, I thought I forgave this man, and I thought this was done. I was wrong. I still feel this self hatred for not speaking up sooner. I still feel this pain for letting it continue. I also feel pain from opening up. I know that I shouldn't, but how can I sit here and feel good about messing up a happy family. I hope they found some clarity and peace. I also hope that, if he did this to someone else, he has paid for his actions. I hope justice has been served.
I pray that if anyone is going through this or anything similar, they have the strength to speak up and tell someone.
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